When you get to the point when you can't even call her because the sound of her voice will make you cry, you know you've got a problem.

Track back about a month ago. A big scary dude wearing a leather jacket and a t-shirt with a heavy metal band on it and the biggest boots you've ever seen is cuddled up to you on the sofa, watching Shallow Hal. He looks pretty tough, and even though you've not seen him angry you think he could probably lose it because of the weather. He's loud, he's weird, and for some reason you like him.
But he's a tough dude, or at least that's how he looks.
Because now, a little girl with burn marks on her face is on the TV. The guy next to you stops, stiffens up. He's suddenly stopped talking for what feels like months. He wipes his face. Is he crying?!


I've never liked to let people see me cry. If you're a friend of mine, whether you're from college or church or comic con, odds on you've never seen me cry. I don't like showing this, because A: It makes the person who made me cry feel stronger, and B: When a bloke cries then they must be weak.
Depression is an absolute bitch for these things. But the problem is that crying is so tightly wound to the media representation of depression that when someone with it isn't crying twenty four hours a day then they are instantly judged and accused of not really having it.

I'm not a weepy guy. In haven't truly had a good cry for a long time. Annoyingly I bottle it up without even trying to. But this is the problem. When I'm trying to bottle it, people don't take me seriously when I say I'm having a hard time, and when I cry in front of them they get scared and back off.
It's a fucking treadmill, I tell you.

Now, if you know me personally, it's no sodding secret that I've just broken up with my girlfriend.
This was a girl who I truly loved, someone I massively respected. I looked at her and saw sunshine. She was one of the few people who looked at me and didn't just see a big scary biker dude, but a bit of a softie. I worshipped this girl, and when I looked at her I saw absolute perfection made flesh. She was an intelligent, beautiful woman who I adored, she was absolutely amazing. I saw a huge future in this girl, and I was quite frankly happy to start it. But shit went down, and now, someone who's voice that used to make me instantly smile is now making me cry, and I can't even call her.

So what do I do? Do I risk being a softie and give in, or do I do what I'm expected to do, be a man and bottle it again. I really don't know. Although, I hope I find the strength to make the right decision.